Christian Maturity & Becoming A Spiritually Grounded Man
The journey of change and spiritual maturity is a transformative process that every man must undertake to grow in his faith and become the person God intended him to be. This path is not always easy, as it requires self-reflection, discipline, and a willingness to embrace both challenges and opportunities for growth.
The 7 stages of change and spiritual maturity provide a roadmap for men who seek to deepen their relationship with Christ and live out their faith with integrity and purpose. In this article, I’m going to offer up some life coaching for men that you can use to explore these stages, offering practical insights and spiritual wisdom to guide you on your journey towards becoming a mature and spiritually grounded man.
Defining Spiritual Maturity - 7 Stages To Getting Closer To God
Let’s start with the first stage.
Spiritual Maturity - Stage 1: IGNORANCE
I call this the "I DON'T KNOW what to do" stage of change. Yes, you want to change, but you don’t know where to start.
Having spent over 26 years in education before starting Real Men Connect, I often joke with our men, that we (men) suffer from an undiagnosed learning disability. Not A-D-D, ADHD, or any of the more common ones, but rather from a more pervasive one we’re slow to detect – and it’s called A-B-T (Ain’t Been Taught).
As men, we find ourselves in a position of wanting to do better, but not knowing what to do and where to start to change and grow. Although ignorance sounds like a harsh word, it’s really an enlightening word, because it implies humility and counteracts our pride as men.
Usually, we, as men, don’t want to admit we don’t know something – especially when we think we should know it already. And for a lot of men, that’s how they feel in marriage and as a parent. We don’t know what to do or where to start, so we tend to “fake it” until we make it; but unless the people you love are very patient, “not knowing” can be an unnecessary strain on your most important relationships.
Although it can be challenging to “not know” what to do as Christian man when you’re in this stage, there is a simple solution, and that is to GET INFORMATION.
In James 1:5, the Bible says, “If any man lacks wisdom, let him ASK God, and God will give it to him generously without reproach.”
The problem is, as men, we’re usually afraid to ask for help or to ask questions we think we should know the answers to. But the Bible tells us that we have not, because we ask not. Asking for help only requires humility; and it’s the quickest way to get past this stage of change.
But that leads us to the next stage.
Spiritual Maturity - Stage 2: INCOMPETENCE
The truth is most (if not all) men want to become better men, husbands, and fathers. They want to change, for the better, and make a positive impact on their christian marriage and be a positive influence in the lives of their children; they may even be willing to ask someone for help.
However, the problem is, most men reportedly (9 out of 10) were never taught or shown how to apply what it takes to intimately love a wife, faithfully disciple their children, and spiritually lead a family. So, most men have had to learn how to love and lead by trial and error.
If Stage 1 is considered the “I don’t know WHAT to do” stage, Stage 2 would be considered the “I don’t know HOW to do it” stage of change and spiritual maturity.
The solution in this stage is simply to GET TRAINING.
In offering life coaching for men over the last 8 years, I’ve written over a hundred articles like this; interviewed over 750 men on our podcast (Real Men Connect); recorded over 250 YouTube instructional videos; created over 24 online courses; and written 3 books for men all in attempt to help us break through the barrier of “not knowing” how to be men. My goal is to eventually eliminate A-B-T once and for all -- one man at a time.
Jesus knew the importance of training, when in his last words to his disciples before he ascended to heaven, he said in Matthew 28:19-20 – “Go make disciples of all the nations…teach them to observe everything I’ve commanded you, and I will be with you always until the very end of this age.” In other words, Jesus was saying, “I’ve taught you over the past 3 years HOW to be good followers and faithful leaders; now go teach others HOW to do what I’ve taught you.”
And if you can manage to get past stage 2 of Incompetence, you have to prepare yourself for the next 4 challenging stages of change that will try to prevent you from reaching full spiritual potential. Let’s start with Stage 3.
Spiritual Maturity - Stage 3: REBELLION
This is the "I'm NOT going to do it." Stage. Now, you might think, if I know WHAT to do, and I’ve been trained on HOW to do it, why would I rebel and not do it? Again, in offering life coaching for men, I’ve noticed that most men start out eager to grow, change, and improve. However, after that initial enlightenment, reality starts to kick in, that some serious work will be involved. And the initial inclination is to start questioning and forecasting the amount of time it's going to take before we see change.
Let’s face it, when it comes to making necessary changes in our lives, it can be overwhelming, especially if you’re unsure of the outcome. So, the natural inclination is to sometimes rebel and refuse to go through the process, hoping you can avoid having to do anything at all.
The Bible tells us the solution to rebellion is to GET HUMBLE. Meaning, admit to yourself, another brother in Christ, and God, how you’re struggling with the change. James 4:6 says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.”
So, don’t beat yourself up about being in a state of rebellion; just don’t stay there, because Stage 4 awaits.
Spiritual Maturity - Stage 4: RESISTANCE
If you find yourself in the Rebellion Stage too long, inevitably you will move into the Resistance Stage of change and spiritual maturity. I call this the “I DON’T WANT to do it” stage.
How is this any different from the Rebellion Stage? The Rebellion Stage starts in the mind. We determine, discover, and examine the WHAT and HOW to change, and then our will starts to naturally “resist” the process. The process of change overwhelms our thoughts, and our will screams out, “I’m NOT going to do this.”
But if we don’t humble ourselves and confess those thoughts, then those thoughts will eventually move from our mind into our emotions (i.e., feelings) -- going from “I WON’T do it” to “I DON’T WANT TO do it.”
And the reason we hit resistance is because “action” is inevitably required to break through the Rebellion Stage; but after you take action, that’s when you start to experience and “feel” the pain associated with the action(s).
But nothing worth having comes without a cost; and when you start implementing the WHAT’s and the HOW TO’s, you WILL eventually experience pain, hurt, loss, struggle, rejection, and other challenging emotions associated with spiritual change and growth. And although it’s to be expected, it doesn’t make changing and growing any easier.
James 1:2-4 says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
But I think 2 Timothy 3:12 says it even better, “Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.”
So, what’s the point? Don’t be surprised by this stage; expect it, and embrace it, and then GET REAL about the pain associated with the change. Start by admitting to yourself, “I won’t do it,” then, just like in the Rebellion Stage, humbly ask God to give you the strength and the grace to do it anyway. He wants to help you; you just have to ask and then let Him.
Now it’s time to confront Stage 5.
Spiritual Maturity - Stage 5: HESITANCE
Stage 5 is the “I’ll TRY to do it” stage.
You’re just coming out of “I don’t want to do it” stage, and you realize you don’t have a choice but to keep moving forward. Because like my wife always says, “NOTHING is ever going to change until you change SOMETHING.”
So, we go from rebellion and resistance to hesitance. “Okay, I’ll try to do that.” The “that” are the necessary steps we have to take that we learned in the Stage 2 – the “HOW to do it” Stage.
Life coaching for men becomes very challenging for me in this stage, because the Hesitance Stage can be very deceptive. It makes us feel like we’re doing something and making changes, when all we really have are “good intentions.”
Someone once said, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” I don’t know who said that, but I believe it’s true. Talking about something is not the same as doing it. Change doesn’t take place through intentions; it only happens through deliberate and intentional action. But if we can’t successfully overcome our emotions of resistance, hesitance can make you feel like you’re stuck in quicksand. You’re exerting a lot of energy, but nothing is changing, and you’re not going anywhere.
So, how do you overcome and push through the Hesitance Stage? You simply GET FOCUSED on the payoff.
Meaning, re-examine your WHY for changing in the first place. Is it to build a closer or more intimate with relationship with Christ? If so, why is that important to you? Is it to rebuild, restore, and strengthen your marriage? If so, what will happen if you don’t do it? Is it to effectively disciple your children and to help them grow in their relationship with the Lord? If so, what impact will that have on future generations and your legacy?
Focusing on the payoff will not only motivate you to take action to change and grow, but it will also pull you through the process if and when you get stuck.
Then we have what I consider the most dangerous and frustrating stage of change for men…
Spiritual Maturity - Stage 6: CONDITIONAL
The Conditional Stage is the “I’ll do it IF…” stage. I consider this the most challenging stage of change because it gets us close to the finish line, but never crossing it when it comes to change and spiritual growth.
Because when it comes to change, our natural inclination is to be impatient. We want and expect change to happen immediately. And why shouldn’t we, we’re doing “all the right things” right? IF I do X, then I SHOULD and EXPECT to experience Y, right?
But, we know life doesn’t work that way. Life is never linear, it’s more of a roller coaster. There’s ups, downs, and unexpected twists, turns, and loops that can be very scary. And when you agree to get on a roller coaster, no matter how scary it gets, how many regrets you have, or past trauma you’ve experienced, you can’t stop and get off it in the middle of the ride; you have to ride it (life) out to the end.
And when it comes to implementing change and growing in Christ, this is where we struggle. We start (change), whether reluctantly or enthusiastically, and then we allow the “I’ll do it IF’s” to kick in. You know what I mean:
"I'll CHANGE IF..."
Something good happens
It's easy (not too hard)
It won't take too long
I see results (progress)
She responds well (act right)
Others act right
I don't have to keep doing it
I get what I want out of it
It won't cost me too much
The problem with this stage is, our lack of follow through doesn’t just affect us, it also affects those around us. This is why women have a hard time forgiving men after they’ve been hurt, lied to, cheated on, or betrayed. A woman (or your wife’s) thought process may go something like this…
“I’ve heard it all before, why should I believe him this time?”“He may do/act right today, but for how long?”
“He always does this, only to go back to his old ways.”
“I can’t afford to be disappointed or have him break my heart again?’
“I’m tired of his broken promises; actions speaks louder than words.”
So, how do you get past or through the Conditional Stage? You GET ACCOUNTABILITY!
Find a small group of men or mentors you can trust, and simply ask them to hold you accountable to the changes you’re making to grow spiritually. But be specific about the actions you’re taking, and then give them permission to check in on you periodically and consistently and ask you about your progress.
And whatever you do, don’t lie to them. If and when they ask you, always tell them the truth – especially if you’re struggling.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!”
And finally, after you’ve overcome the Conditional Stage, you’re ready to walk and live in the stage God wants all of us to be, and that’s Stage 7.
Spiritual Maturity - Stage 7: COMMITTED
This is where real breakthrough takes place. This is the “I WILL do it because” stage.
The goal of spiritual growth and maturity is to consistently walk in the fullness of God’s love while enjoying a personal, intimate relationship with Him, as He conforms and transforms us into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. No more, no less.
And you know you have arrived, or at least on the right track, when you commit to change by saying to yourself:
"I WILL do it (change) because..."
God said, "Do it."
It would grieve His Spirit if I didn't
It would draw me closer to God if I did
It pleases God
It will give me His peace
It will bring God glory
It will show God's love to others
When you start to finally commit to changing and growing, you will eventually GET PEACE and realize that the journey to that peace was well worth it; because you will see the fruit of the harvest in your relationship with your wife, children, family, and others.
H3
The 7 stages for change and spiritual maturity are essential steps for any man seeking to grow closer to God and live a life of purpose and integrity. As you can see, each stage presents its own set of challenges and opportunities, requiring commitment, patience, and faith.
But by embracing this journey and allowing God to work in your heart, you can experience profound transformation and spiritual growth.
As you progress through these stages, remember that maturity in Christ is not a destination but a continuous process of becoming more like Him. So, stay steadfast in your pursuit, and you will find strength, wisdom, and fulfillment in your walk with God.