How To Rebuild Broken Trust
Man: “Dr. Joe, I don’t know what to do.”
Me: “What’s the problem?”
Man: “My wife doesn’t trust me.”
Me: “Why doesn’t she trust you?”
Man: “She says there are a lot of reasons she doesn’t trust me. She says I’ve broken numerous promises to her. She says I keep secrets from her; and I tell her only bits and pieces of the truth, and not the whole story. Now she’s threatening a divorce, because she says we don’t have a marriage if we don’t have trust. What should I do?”
Can you relate to this guy?
This is just a snapshot of a typical conversation I usually have with men, on a weekly basis, who are going through a marriage crisis. Their challenge: My wife doesn’t trust me.
Can A Marriage Survive With No Trust?
As Christian men, we all know that building trust in a marriage is essential for a strong, healthy relationship. It requires consistent effort, honesty, and understanding.
And if trust has been broken, restoring your wife’s trust will take both time and patience. Which is usually in short supply when the threat of a divorce or separation is imminent.
But one reason it takes so much time and patience to rebuild trust in a marriage is because there are usually 3 levels in the rebuilding trust process; and most men are unaware of them:
The Basic Steps of Survival (i.e., stopping the bleeding)
Spiritual Steps in Rebuilding (i.e., creating space for God’s grace)
Spoken Words in Sustaining (i.e., helping her heal from the hurt)
For the sake of this article (and time), I’m going to address the basic steps of survival when your wife says she can’t trust you; and I’ll cover the other two levels in a future article.
Because if you don’t start at Level 1 and learn how to first “stop the bleeding,” you won’t have a marriage to save; and the other two levels won’t even matter.
Getting Your Wife To Trust You STARTS With Her Feeling Safe
First of all, trust is earned through ACTIONS (not just words) that demonstrate reliability, transparency, and concern for the other person’s well-being.
It’s a well-known fact that safety and security are a woman’s greatest needs when it comes to relationships; so, when a wife says, “I don’t trust you,” what she’s really saying is, “I no longer feel safe around you.” And she’s referring to not being emotionally, relationally, spiritually, or even financially, safe.
Whenever trust is broken, a woman’s emotional default response is usually to go into “survival mode” so she can protect herself from you and any other potential threat to her physical, spiritual, financial, emotional, and/or mental well-being.
So, starting at Level 1, AFTER you apologize and ask for forgiveness for breaking the trust, here are 5 things you can do IMMEDIATELY to “stop the bleeding.”
Five Things To Do When Your Wife Doesn't Trust You
1.Surrender your rights to privacy.
As Americans (especially men), we wear our right to privacy like a badge of honor. However, after you’ve broken the trust with your wife, you pretty much forfeit your right to privacy; because you’ve lost them. That doesn’t mean you’ll never get them back, but you have no right to claim them or demand them.
So, what does it look like to surrender your rights to privacy? That means you should no longer hide things from your wife. That means you give her full access to anything and everything she wants or needs to feel safe and secure when she’s around you.
There should be no digital device or account that she doesn’t have access to if she requests it. There should be no arguments or resistance if she randomly asks to see your cell phone or asks about a female on your Facebook page or other social media account(s).
In other words, your privacy should no longer be a priority; but rather making her sanity and safety should be.
2.Tell the truth about everything.
I don’t care how big or how small it is, make a decision and a commitment to never lie to your wife ever again. As easy as it may sound to commit to doing this, in my experience in ministering to, discipling, and training men, it all sounds good until we start weighing the true consequences of telling the truth. Which means, you should be able to accept the fact that you might potentially lose the relationship over the truth. But trust me, in the long run, you rather lose your wife with the truth than to win her with a lie or a half-truth.
When my ex-wife discovered my infidelities (yes, that was plural), of course her trust and our our covenant were broken, but that didn’t stop me from desperately trying to save my marriage.
Part of that process was me answering a barrage of questions she needed answers to in order for her heart to heal (i.e., stop bleeding); so, she needed to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
But at the same time, I knew telling her the truth could potentially cause her more heartache and heartbreak and even facilitate her divorcing me. But I knew that even if I didn’t tell her the truth about everything and won her back, our marriage would still be standing on a foundation of lies. And if she ever discovered the “rest of the story” (and they always do), then it could eventually cause even more damage to our marriage.
So no, you may not have to tell her everything (i.e., like specific details), unless it impacts her physical health and personal safety and the protection and provision for the kids, but don’t ever lie to her about anything; tell the truth. Because even a half-truth to her is a whole lie.
3. Admit your struggles and weaknesses to her.
More than likely, you broke the trust with your wife because whatever you were struggling with at the time, you were probably afraid to tell her about it. Maybe you were concerned about what she would think about you. Maybe you were concerned about what she would say to you. Or maybe you were afraid what she would do if she knew about your struggle or sin.
The point is, God made your wife to be your “Help Meet,” so that means you were both designed to help meet each other emotional, spiritual, and relational needs. And when you deny your wife the opportunity to do that, you deny God the opportunity to bless you THROUGH your wife.
Your wife didn’t marry you because she thought you were Superman; she married you because she knew she could be your strength whenever you were exposed to your kryptonite. But a wife can’t help us if we’re not willing to admit when we’re hurting. And likewise, God wants to heal you when you’re hurting, but He’s not going to heal what you refuse to reveal to your wife and others.
If you trust your wife with your weaknesses, this makes her believe she can trust you with hers. Always trying to show or prove we’re strong doesn’t draw people closer to us; it actually makes them think we’re unapproachable and makes them reluctant to trust us with their weaknesses.
4.Make a habit of asking for help.
This is in direct alignment with the previous tip (admit your struggles and weaknesses). If you’re not willing to admit your struggles and weaknesses to your wife, that also means you’re probably not getting the help you need with those struggles.
I’m not saying that you should expect your wife to fix you or heal you, but rather give her a chance to help you. Not necessarily to solve your problems, but rather to walk alongside you through them.
What does this have to do with rebuilding trust? Everything!
When your wife realizes that you’re willing to ask her and others for help, it gives her security and assurance that you’re won’t try to “hide” things from her.
Betrayal, broken trust, and destructive behavior starts in darkness – where nobody can see. And every bad action can be traced back to a bad, original thought. So, one of the easiest ways to combat destructive behaviors and bad habits, is to expose them to light by seeking and asking for help. And one of the best places to start is with your wife; because not only will it show her that you trust her, it will also show her you can be trusted.
5.Ask her questions about her needs.
A woman who doesn’t trust is a hurting woman who is in need of healing. But the healing is not going to take place overnight – it’s going to take time and patience.
And one of the best ways to help your wife heal, even when you’ve caused her the pain, is to constantly and consistently do an emotional and spiritual check-up on her.
And how do you do that?
Make it a habit to ask your wife 4 questions every day:
What is she most thankful for today?
What is her opinion on something important to you?
What is she struggling with, and how can you pray for her?
What would she ask you if she wasn’t afraid of the answer?
Now, let’s quickly look at the significance of each of these questions:
Asking her, “What is she most thankful for?” will get her to reveal to you what’s currently good in her life or at least remind her what she should be thankful for. And if she’s unable to think of anything, then you know she’s still hurting and is need of further healing.
Asking her about her opinion on something important to you let’s her know you still value her, appreciate her, and you trust her wisdom.
Asking her about her struggles and how you can pray for her demonstrates your love and concern for her – even though the trust was broken. You’re trying to show her your betrayal or behavior was a bad choice, not the foundation of your character. You’re sending her a message that if you can pray for her, that means you can also be trusted (again).
And the last question, “What would she ask you if she wasn’t afraid?” is designed to prevent her from feeling the need to hide from you and to emotionally suppress her feelings.
All of these questions are an attempt to demonstrate to your wife that you still love her; you’re mindful of her heart and her need for healing; but more importantly, you’re willing to earn her trust back.
Fully Surrendering Instead of 'Fixing" Is The Apology Your Wife Needs
In conclusion, earning your wife’s trust is a journey that requires time, consistency, and genuine effort. By being open, honest, and considerate of her feelings, you can gradually rebuild and strengthen the trust that forms the foundation of your relationship.
Remember that trust is not restored overnight, but with patience, understanding, and a commitment to doing the right thing, you can create a deeper, more secure bond. Continue to show her through your actions that she can depend on you to love and protect her heart; and over time, your relationship will grow stronger and be more resilient than ever before.
Are you stuck? Want to get your faith, marriage, family, career and finances back on track? Then maybe it’s time you got a coach. Every CHAMPION has one. Schedule an appointment to chat with Dr. Joe on how we can help you spiritually love and lead your family better and become the hero of your home.
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