How To Survive A Marriage Separation
They say a divorce can feel like a death. And having endured one myself, after a 16-year marriage, I couldn’t agree more. But if a divorce can feel like a death, then a marriage separation must feel like a loved one on life support.
Yes, you want the person you love to live, but you’re unsure if or when you should “pull the plug.” You battle with having regrets if you choose to terminate too soon. And even if you don’t terminate the marriage after you separate, you can’t help but wonder if life will ever be the same post-separation?
Saving Your Marriage Shouldn't Be A Solo Mission
So, what can you do to save a marriage during a separation? Is it even possible?
Yes, it is possible for a marriage to survive a separation, but based on the data, the odds are not good. Only 13-15% of separated couples ever reconcile and remain together. And around 80% of separated couples eventually go through divorce. And the longer the separation period, the higher the likelihood of divorce.
However, with the right support from a Christ-centered, faith-based community, the odds become higher that not only can your marriage survive a separation, but it can also thrive after one. I know this for a fact, because our organization, Real Men Connect, has successfully helped Christian men navigate their marriage during a separation.
Saving A Marriage During Separation - Five Do's & Don'ts To Keep In Mind
Other than knowing and being realistic about your expectations during a separation, here are some essential truths and advice, including five (5) don’ts, you should consider, understand, and apply:
First, a marriage separation is ALL ABOUT FOCUS.
It may sound counterintuitive, but during a separation, you should be less concerned about the separation and potential divorce and more concerned and focused on your spiritual well-being. Meaning, you should focus on your soul; you should focus on your wife’s soul; and should focus on the desires of God’s heart for both of you; and if you do, God promises to take care of your marriage (Matthew 6:33).
Jesus also said in John 12:25, “Whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life, in this world, will keep it for eternal life.”
The truth is, when our marriage is in crisis (especially if it’s our fault), our first inclination is to try to “save” the marriage. However, Jesus reminds us that God is more concerned about our individual souls than He is about marriage. So, don’t take your eyes off the ball; try to think eternal, not temporal.
Next, focus on THE RIGHT THINGS.
Use your marriage separation time as a time of reflection. Look at your contribution to the separation. Ask God to help you see what you’ve been missing, doing , or not doing in your marriage. Then own it, confess it (to God and your wife), accept responsibility for it, and do your best to make amends to rebuild trust. Then pray for your wife’s soul, not just your marriage; show her through your communication the fruits of humility, compassion, remorse, and contrition for the hurt you've caused; then relinquish control and trust God with the results.
Third, allow your wife to SET/ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES.
You’ve probably heard the word “boundaries” more times than you can count, but there’s a reason for that; because they’re effective if set and enforced the right way.
When it comes to how to save a marriage during separation, the boundaries I’m referring to are boundaries concerning how your wife wants to communicate with you (and vice versa) -- always ask her permission, and make no demands. If you think the boundary she sets is unhealthy or unrealistic, simply ask her to explain the rationale behind it.
And for the record, a healthy boundary is one that protects her, protects you, and safeguards your relationship. And when it comes to an unhealthy boundary, it’s just the opposite; an unhealthy boundary only protects one person with no regard for the relationship.
Next, remember you’re being CRUCIFIED WITH CHRIST.
I know that may sound weird but let me explain. I’m not saying you’re Jesus; I’m saying you must pretend you’re one of the thieves next to Jesus when he was being crucified on the cross.
If you remember the story in Luke 23, when Jesus was on the cross, he was centered between two thieves. One of the thieves mocked Jesus by asking Him, “‘Are you not the Christ? Then save yourself and us!’ But the other thief rebuked the man and said, ‘Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed justly, for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.’”
Make sure you remember what led to the separation with your wife, and what you’re guilty of; then humble yourself, like the thief on the cross who rebuked the other and said to Jesus, “Remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Because James 4:6 reminds us that, “God opposes the proud, but He gives grace to the humble.”
BE FAITHFUL to the things God has given you control over.
You may not be able to control the length of your marriage separation or what your wife does or doesn’t do during the separation -- whether she chooses to relocate, take the kids, file for a divorce, or any number of things that might negatively impact you.
However, you CAN control being faithful in your relationship with God; faithful to your wife during the separation; faithful in your obedience to God; and faithful in your response to your wife’s actions and decisions.
In fact, your spiritual leadership and your response to your wife are the only things God is going to hold you accountable to in your marriage. So, focus more on being faithful, not being separated.
Always DEMONSTRATE HUMILITY, contrition, and remorse when communicating with your wife.
I mentioned earlier about being humble before God by being crucified with Christ as one of the thieves on the cross. Well, the same holds true when it comes to communicating with your wife. Remove any blame, shame, complaining, or explaining when you’re talking to your wife about your marriage.
Let her know you’re accepting full responsibility for the part you played in hurting and damaging your marriage, without trying to justify the behaviors that led to the separation.
Next, give your wife all the TIME AND SPACE she needs to heal.
I think this is simple enough to understand. Don’t make your relationship with your wife be about your impatience and your needs, but rather about her heart and her healing during the separation.
Focus on showing your wife compassion instead of contempt. Give her what she needs to heal – even if it’s additional time away from you.
The easiest way to do this is to take off your marriage watch and hide it. The truth is, reconciling and saving a marriage during a separation is not about our timing, but rather God’s timing.
Whenever you interact with your wife, SHOW HER HEART TRANSFORMATION, not just behavior modification.
When couples separate, either one or both parties is requiring or expecting change. Someone is usually at their wit’s end and feels like a separation might be the thing to get the other to change the way he or she is “doing marriage.”
But over the past decade of mentoring, training, and discipling men, we’re helping men realize that women are not just looking for behavior modification FROM their husband, but rather total heart transformation IN their husband.
In other words, they’re looking for lasting change, not temporary fixes. And the best way to demonstrate heart transformation to your wife is by responding differently to her than you have in the past by communicating honestly through humility, vulnerability, and transparency.
Anyone can “act different” at any given moment in time, but it takes a man whose heart is submitted and surrendered to God to BE DIFFERENT in a marriage.
A separation will only end when your wife is convinced that’s she’s returning home to a “changed man” in a new marriage, not just a “well-behaved man” in the same old marriage.
If You Want To Save Your Marriage After Separation, You Need To Show Up As A 'New Man'
Here a few ways you can demonstrate that change:
If your wife allows you to communicate with her during the separation, always ask about her needs for healing and rebuilding trust:
“What do you need from me right now?”
“What can I start doing to rebuild your trust?”
“What would you like me to do for you while we’re separated?”
“What can I do for/with the kids to give you the time you need to heal?”
Continue to spiritually LOVE AND LEAD YOUR CHILDREN
Even though your wife may have asked for a separation to distance herself from you; you still have a responsibility to your children (if you have any).
Your children need to know that your responsibility as a father to teach, train, protect, and provide for them hasn’t changed. Let them know you still love them; you still love your wife; and you will remain present in their lives even during the separation.
As they endure the stress, worry, and anxiety associated with a marriage separation, let your children know they can always talk to you about their feelings. And make sure you periodically ask about their feelings, even if you don’t see any warning signs of trouble.
Parenting children during a separation, or even a divorce, isn’t about being reactive, but rather being proactive. So, commit to consistently asking them about feelings of anger, fear, and hurt or sadness.
Next, make sure to GUARD YOUR IMAGINATION.
What do I mean by that? I’m talking about protecting yourself from worrying and being overly anxious about your marriage.
Paul writes in Philippians 4:6-8, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
Worrying is the misuse of our imagination; and it has no redeeming impact on the results we desire. So, instead, use your mind to fight the real enemy (Satan), not to beat up yourself or your spouse. Use your mind to focus on God’s promises (like some of the ones below), rather than on hypothetical problems you’ve created in your head.
Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope
Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Philippians 4:19 - And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Isaiah 40:31 - But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
PREPARE YOURSELF by making sure you know who and what to turn to for help.
We teach men in Real Men Connect that marriage is a “team sport.” Meaning, a strong marriage was never meant to be built alone; you need help. Because a man is only as strong as the number of godly men he has on his team.
I think Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says it best, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their effort. For if they fall, one will lift up the other. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!”
When I say prepare yourself, I mean, if you didn’t have a team of godly men around you before the separation, you need to have a team of men around you now. As the stats revealed earlier, marriage separations don’t usually end well. Most separations end in divorce, and most marriages get worse before they get better.
That’s why you need to have your team in place to prepare you for the potential “what ifs” I told you not to be worried about earlier. You shouldn’t worry until AFTER something happens; but if/when it does, you need trusted brothers around you who will encourage and support you and won’t allow you to be overwhelmed and controlled by your emotions.
You shouldn’t be making permanent decisions based on temporary feelings. Instead, you should have a team of men around you who you can lean on, pray with, who can counsel you, comfort you, and hold you accountable to your faith and family, not your feelings.
Even if your worst nightmares come true, God's provision will be given to you through His word, His people, and His power; so, make sure you’re prepared to utilize God’s resources WHEN the time comes.
Pray for God to BREAK YOUR WIFE.
I know this is going to be controversial, that’s why I saved this advice for last. Please don’t hear what I’m not saying; I’m not saying to ask God to hurt your wife during a separation.
No, just the opposite. I understand you’ve hurt your wife; you’ve broken her heart; she’s feeling helpless and hopeless in your marriage; and she’s desperate for an escape and she’s thinking about ending the marriage all together. And you can even understand why.
But, and this is a BIG “but,” if you’ve done all the “right things” as a husband, such as:
openly confessed your sins to God
sincerely asked for His forgiveness
remorsefully asked your wife to forgive you
taken full responsibility for your transgressions
respectfully given her time and space to heal
made tangible, positive changes in your communication with her
agreed to seek Christian counseling
humbly sought out a spiritual coach and mentor
gotten connected to a group of godly men for accountability, and
rededicated yourself to building a personal intimate relationship with Christ
But your wife STILL won’t budge or move even an inch closer towards reconciliation, and her heart is starting to move away from God; then you should start praying that God first BREAKS her will and her pride. Then pray that God WRECKS her negative actions and emotions. And if all else fails, pray that God RUINS her plans or desires to end the marriage, so He can eventually bring her to the end of herself, resurrect her, and redeem her in Christ.
Saving A Marriage During A Separation - Five Things You Shouldn't Do
And finally, here are 5 THINGS TO AVOID during a separation:
Don't offer your wife advice to "fix her" -- because you can’t “fix her” if you’re the one who broke her.
Don't brag/boast about your spiritual growth/your healing -- because she doesn’t care, and she may find it offensive.
Don't take anything negative she says to you personally -- because she’s just emoting and needs to express herself; so let her.
Don't initiate physical touch/affection/sex without her permission -- because she may perceive it as you being insensitive.
Don't ask her or pressure her about making a decision on the marriage -- because she may think you’re trying to control her.
Facing a separation can be one of the most challenging times in a Christian marriage, testing the bonds of faith, commitment, and love. However, this period doesn't have to signify the end; rather, it can be a transformative phase for healing and reconciliation.
By leaning on God’s promises, applying the advice listed above, seeking spiritual guidance and accountability, and fostering open communication with your wife, you can successfully navigate the turbulent waters of a marriage separation with hope, commitment, and consistency.
But in the end, reconciliation not only requires learning to trust each other again, but more importantly, learning to trust in the sovereignty of God. And Paul reminds us of this truth in Romans 8:28, when He says, “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.”
Are you stuck? Want to get your faith, marriage, family, career and finances back on track? Then maybe it’s time you got a coach. Every CHAMPION has one. Schedule an appointment to chat with Dr. Joe on how we can help you spiritually love and lead your family better and become the hero of your home.
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