Divorce Recovery For Christians, Nine Ways To Heal
Someone once said, “Getting divorced is like experiencing death, but you’re still breathing.”
If you’ve ever truly been in love, and thought it would be forever, then no truer words have probably ever been spoken in describing what a divorce feels like when a marriage ends. And I should know; because that’s exactly how I felt after my 16-year marriage ended.
Of course, there are things much worse in the life of a Christian man; like the death of a child, the death of a spouse, or an assault/attack on your spouse or one of your children. But while death and assault are usually out of our control, getting a divorce usually isn’t. It’s either because of what we’ve done, or something our spouse has done to us; who knows, maybe both.
Healing From The Loss of Your Christian Marriage Is NOT Easy
Divorce is one of life’s most painful and challenging experiences, especially for Christians who value the sanctity of marriage as a covenant before God. The end of a marriage can leave you feeling lost, broken, and overwhelmed.
However, as followers of Christ, we are not without hope. God’s Word provides healing, guidance, and restoration even in the darkest moments. And contrary to what the culture says, you never really “get over” a divorce; you just learn to “get through” it. That’s why I want to offer you some tips on how to recover from a divorce that can help you survive as a Christian during the recovery process.
Christian Divorce Recovery, 9 Tips For Healing After Your Marriage Ends
Christian Divorce Recovery, Tip 1 - Acknowledge the Pain, but Trust in God’s Plan
The first step toward recovery is to embrace the reality of your pain. Someone asked me on my 40th birthday (I’m now 56 as I write this), “What’s been the biggest surprise of my life?” But they were surprised by my response. I said, “Oh, that’s easy. I’m shocked that I sucked as a husband and ruined my first marriage; I never saw that coming.”
After a divorce, it’s quite common to experience feelings of rejection, guilt, anger, and shame. So, it’s crucial to allow yourself to grieve the loss and process your emotions. As Psalm 34:18 reminds us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Although I was the one who broke my ex-wife’s heart, my heart also in need of healing – just a different type. No, God didn’t cause my divorce, but He also didn’t stop it.
While acknowledging your pain, remember that God is sovereign. Jeremiah 29:11 assures us that His plans for us are for good, even when we can’t see or understand them in the moment. Trusting in God’s greater purpose can help anchor your heart and mind during the aftermath of a divorce.
So, even if you’re the person who caused the divorce (like me), if you’re breathing, and you’re still seeking God, know that He has a plan for your pain as well as a purpose for the pain you caused. But you have to willing to confess the pain you feel before God will choose to address it and heal it.
Christian Divorce Recovery, Tip 2 - Seek Forgiveness and Extend It
One of the greatest obstacles to recovery after divorce is unforgiveness—whether directed toward yourself, your ex-spouse, or others involved. The Bible calls us to forgive as Christ forgave us (Colossians 3:13).
Forgive Yourself: Divorce can lead to self-condemnation. If mistakes were made, repent and ask for God’s forgiveness. Then, release yourself from the chains of guilt. Romans 8:1 reminds us, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
I will admit, this was one of the hardest things for me to do when I went through my divorce. It got so bad that I couldn’t even look my ex-wife in the face whenever I went to pick up my son, per our divorce decree. But God spoke a word to me in my heart that helped me to forgive myself and start healing.
The Holy Spirit reminded me that I couldn’t hate myself more than God loved me, no matter how hard I tried. That thought and truth turned helped heal my heart, and my life hasn’t been the same sense.
Forgive Your Ex-Spouse: This doesn’t mean excusing wrongdoing or forgetting the pain caused. Forgiveness is an act of obedience to God and a step toward personal healing. Because holding onto resentment only prolongs your suffering.
Although I was the primary cause for my divorce, and as hypocritical it may sound, I harbored anger, bitterness, and resentment towards my ex-wife; because she no longer wanted to fight for and save our marriage.
But I soon realized how much God had forgiven me for ruining my marriage; and unless I wanted to face the strict judgment and justice of God, I needed to extend the same level of grace, mercy, and forgiveness to my ex-wife that God gave me for my sins and for destroying my marriage in the first place.
Christian Divorce Recovery, Tip 3 - Surround Yourself with Godly Support
One of the main reasons my first marriage fell apart was because I tried to do marriage on my own – without much support, encouragement, or accountability from other men. And if I needed godly support when I was married, how much more did I need it as I was going through the dark valley of divorce.
Isolation can worsen the emotional price and impact of a divorce. Instead, seek a community of believers who can offer you encouragement, accountability, and prayer. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”
Here are some ways to find the support you need:
Join a men’s discipleship organization like ours (Real Men Connect, Inc.)
Join a Christian support group for divorced individuals.
Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or your local church community.
Consider getting counseling from a licensed Christian therapist or pastoral counselor to help you process your emotions biblically.
The point is, don’t try to navigate life after a divorce on your own. First of all, you don’t have to do it; because there’s too much help available for you. And second, because it’s not wise. The Bible tells us in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 – “Two are better than one; if one man falls, the other is there to lift him up. But woe to the man who is alone when he falls and has no one to pick him up.”
Christian Divorce Recovery, Tip 4 - Dive Deep into God’s Word
The Bible is a source of comfort, wisdom, and healing. Spending time in God’s Word will remind you of His love, promises, and purpose for your life. Key Scriptures for healing after divorce include:
Isaiah 41:10: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Psalm 147:3: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Consider starting a devotional specifically focused on healing and restoration. Meditating on Scripture allows God’s truth to replace the lies of the enemy, bringing peace to your heart.
Personally, I would suggest you find a minimum of 30 promises in the Bible that speaks directly to fear, worry, loneliness, and emotional pain and suffering. Then do 30-days of Quiet Time Journaling, asking God to reveal to you what those scriptures are saying to you about you and what He wants you to do now.
Having a committed, consistent Quiet Time with God literally saved my life during my divorce recovery. God’s word, and how that word applied to my heart, was the hope I held unto and the hope I needed to survive all the emotions I had to battle as a Christian man.
So, let God’s word be your life preserver as you recover from your divorce.
Christian Divorce Recovery, Tip 5 - Develop a Renewed Identity in Christ
A lot of divorced couples struggle after divorce (especially those who’ve been married for 20, 30, even 40+ years), because like I said earlier, it’s like surviving death. Think about it, you’re losing someone who was seemingly a part of you for probably more than half your life.
And many struggle to move on with their life, because their life as a spouse was so wrapped up in their identity as a spouse. So, divorce often leaves people questioning their worth and identity. That’s why it’s so vital to remember that your value is not determined by your marital status (it never was), but rather by your position as a child of God.
Embrace Your New Season: While divorce signifies the end of a chapter, it also marks the beginning of a new one. God has a plan for you, even in your singleness. Isaiah 43:19 says, “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”
Adopting a “new normal” is critical in recovering from a divorce. You have to be able to let go of your vision of what your marriage could’ve and should’ve been, but never will be.
Focus on Spiritual Growth: Use this season to deepen your relationship with Christ. Pray daily, worship regularly, and seek God’s guidance for your future.
They say life was meant to be lived moving forward, but learned, looking backwards. Start looking at the things you can do to help you grow stronger spiritually, emotionally, and relationally.
Now that I’m in my second marriage (12 years), I can look back now at the benefits of using the worst experience in my life to keep growing rather than to stop moving; because I can see how it not only prepared me for my second wife, but it also helped me to set a good example of resilience and perseverance for my son.
Christian Divorce Recovery, Tip 6 - Protect Your Heart While Moving Forward
Recovering from divorce requires a careful balance between healing and hope for the future. Proverbs 4:23 instructs us to guard our hearts, “for everything you do flows from it.” But “guarding our heart” implies being watchful against things that are harmful for us. It doesn’t mean we should “hardened our heart” towards by not trusting, being suspicious, and refusing to give our all in future relationships.
Here’s how you can move forward in a healthy way:
Set Boundaries: Be cautious about entering new relationships prematurely. Allow yourself time to heal and seek God’s direction before pursuing a new partnership. Although it’s not scientific, a good rule of thumb to use before pursuing a new relationship is, wait one month for every year you were married.
And what is a boundary? A healthy boundary is guidelines and rules you put in place that protects you, protects them, and protects your relationship. It should be a win-win for both of you and your relationship.
Rediscover Your Passions: Use this time to explore hobbies, serve in ministry, or engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Never get into a relationship in pursuit of happiness. I, and many others, had to learn the hard way that it’s impossible to be happily married if you’re not first successfully single.
Know and understand what brings you the most joy WITHOUT a spouse. God has blessed everyone with what I call unique “Spiritual DNA.” That’s unique DESIRES (things you love), unique NATURE (your personality), and unique ABILITIES (things you’re good at doing). Uncover the things in your life that unite those three, unique characteristics and ignites the joy in you and others.
Lean on God for Guidance: Pray for discernment as you take steps forward, ensuring that your decisions align with His will.
It’s normal to second-guess yourself and your life after a divorce. And when you do, it can take an emotional toll on you if you’re not careful. They say hindsight is 20/20, and it is, but it can also be a 2-by-4 you can use to beat yourself up over every bad decision you ever made in your marriage.
The character of a man is not measured by the mistakes that he’s made, but rather by the wisdom he uses to learn from those mistakes, so he doesn’t repeat them. James 1:5 says, “If a man lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach.” Lean on God for guidance by asking Him better questions that will move you forward as you recover from divorce. Questions like:
What were the most important things I learned about myself as a husband?
What areas of my life do I still need healing for my past hurts?
What could I have done to be a better husband?How could I have responded better to the challenges of my wife?
In what areas of my life did I need to be more honest in my marriage?
What godly men could I have leaned on more for support?
How could I have depended on God’s wisdom more in my marriage?
Christian Divorce Recovery, Tip 7 - Pray Without Ceasing
Prayer is the lifeline that connects us to God’s strength, wisdom, and peace. Commit to daily prayer as you navigate the recovery process. Pour out your heart to God, as David did in the Psalms. Ask Him for healing, direction, and the grace to forgive and move forward.
It’s ironic, but Christian men in crisis tell me they prayed more in one year to save their marriage than they all the years they were married to their wife. Praying to God was never meant to be a last resort for Christians, but rather a first option.
That’s why praying is still, and will always continue to be, one of the best strategies to help you during the divorce recovery process. It’s your direct line to God, and He commands us to do it, for our own well-being, not His. Because of He’s sovereign (all knowing), God knows our past, and He knows our future; so, praying connects us to God’s wisdom to navigate in the present.
In addition to praying throughout your recovery, don’t forget to pray for your ex-spouse, even if it’s difficult. This act of obedience can soften your heart and further your journey toward healing. Even 18 years after the end of my first marriage, I still pray for my ex-wife; I just hopes she still prays for me, because I need it.
Christian Divorce Recovery, Tip 8 - Serve Others to Find Healing
One of the most powerful ways to recover from personal pain is by serving others. My men’s organization, Real Men Connect, Inc., is an example of that. We were created out of the pain I endured after my first marriage. Although I couldn’t change the past, I knew God could use me to help others not repeat my past or at least navigate their future. We now help Christian men all over the world win at what matters most when it comes to their relationship with God, their wives, their children, their career, and their community.
You don’t necessarily have to start a non-profit like I did, but if you’re trying to recover from a divorce, try volunteering in your church or community. Volunteering shifts your focus from your own struggles to meeting the needs of others. It’s a tangible way to reflect Christ’s love and find purpose in the middle your pain.
Christian Divorce Recovery, Tip 9 - Trust God to Redeem Your Story
Divorce doesn’t have the final word over your life; God does. God specializes in redeeming broken situations and using them for His glory. Romans 8:28 reminds us, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
Take comfort in knowing that God can turn your trial into a testimony and the mess of your marriage into a redeeming message. Whether it’s through mentoring others who have faced divorce, raising godly children as a single parent, or stepping into a new calling, your story can still glorify Him.
If you read your Bible, you’ll see God specializes in writing comeback stories, from Moses to Jesus, and countless men in between. Rest assured that God doesn’t waste any tear we cry, any wound we feel, and he won’t waste yours. He can use your suffering to not only to set you up for success in the future, but also to save others from unnecessary suffering. God’s plan is to eventually reveal Himself to others through our pain and suffering if we will trust Him and let Him. The question is, “Will you?”
So, when it comes to life after divorce, embrace your hope in Christ. Recovering from divorce as a Christian is not an easy journey, but it is one filled with hope, healing, and transformation. By trusting in God’s promises, seeking forgiveness, and surrounding yourself with supportive believers, you can emerge even stronger and closer to Christ. Remember, your identity and worth are rooted in being a beloved child of God, not in your marital status.
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